2-3-12
There are days in which I wish I had taken the easier route.
The principal at the school the boys attend chose the meal replacement program. She is positively svelte at this point. She struts around in her knee high boots with a glow in her face and you would never be able to tell how heavy she was only a few months back. It is no wonder that much of the school thought she might be sick being that she lost so much of herself over the summer.
I have to admit, I am jealous.
To date, I have lost 75 pounds since July 1st. That is 12 and a half pounds a month. Not bad I suppose, but I wish I was smaller. I also wish it had fallen off me at such a rapid rate as the principal was able to have.
I have another friend who recently underwent drastic surgery to reduce her weight. Since December she has already lost 40 pounds. Yes, she is walking every night (which I take some pride in the fact that she says I inspired her) and taking better care of herself, but when you hear that kind of number, well, let’s just say I get discouraged.
You can tell me over and over how I am being very healthy in how I am accomplishing my own victories. These words are empty. Sadly when you are plagued with defective esteem, it is hard to accept what is right there in front of you.
I have clothing that falls off of me. I can fit into some clothing from regular stores now. I can run up a flight of stairs without being winded or break a sweat. I brag about these accomplishments in Facebook posts and blogs. I walk proud down the hall and find myself with the stock answer to people who tell me how good I look of, “Awe, thanks! It has been hard work, but it is worth it”, complete with the country bumpkin drawl that for some reason accompanies it. Maybe this is why I can’t take it seriously.
When I look at this all logically, I certainly know that my friend and our principal didn’t take the “easy” way. There is no “easy” way. With meal replacement, you lose out on good food and you don’t get the ability to train yourself on how to eat. With surgery, you run the risk of complications and there is the fact that if you eat too much in a sitting, you can get very sick. With every method, there are risks and benefits, and I need to make sure I know that I chose the option that was best for me.
With my plan, I am getting more exercise. Even if I don’t lose another pound, I can keep up with my kids better. I can run around and feel more youthful. I can coach the boys on their soccer teams and can ride bikes with them as a family.
I am beating diabetes. I have learned how to regulate my sugar intake. I have discovered the wonders of science in how they have created sweeteners that don’t hike up my glucose levels and still manage to make my iced tea yummy.
I do not deny myself pleasure. I will have the occasional larger meal or treat. I don’t cut out life because I have overindulged in the past. I simply am making sure that moderation is the theme and that with every splurge there can be consequences. I can’t skimp on exercise if I am going to have pasta. I have to eat a snack if I am going to do a large workout. I take care of myself, and in turn, my body is taking better care of me.
I have to stop thinking of this journey as a sprint and know it is only done when I am lying in my bed with my loved ones around me saying their goodbyes. Even if I get down to 150 pounds, this doesn’t mean I should stop. Even if the doctor takes me off of my meds, I should not stop. I have to be like this forever. I want to get old with Ken. I want to hold my grandchildren. I want that parade I keep asking for. I can’t have any of this if I look at this as simply the quickest way to get thin.
I am proud of my friend and the principal. They have taken steps to better themselves, for better or for worse. I am also taking steps. Sometimes the steps result in 5 pounds coming off in a couple days. Sometimes they result in a couple weeks of a frustrating plateau. I have to know this is life, not a game. You don’t always get to the next level just because you play it a lot.
My views of my body will certainly not correct themselves quickly, either. Like my road to health, my road to mental health is a long one as well. I have good days and I have bad days. Hell, I have good minutes and bad minutes. I am just hoping I get a few good days soon.
