9-5-13
It has been far too long.
When I was first diagnosed with diabetes I was sure that I
would beat it. And beat it I had. I dropped my numbers both in A1C and Lbs, but
nothing worth beating is easy. Diabetes and weight loss are no different as
both of them are something one has to continue to work at constantly.
Sadly, I took all of my success for granted.
Sure, I can chalk up the 50 pounds I gained back to stress.
This isn’t untrue. It isn’t even an excuse. It is, however, not something I am
ok with.
For the past 8 months or so, I have put my health on the
back burner. I found myself frustrated on a daily basis in regards to the
quality, or more realistically, lack thereof, of the school my kids attended.
They have been enrolled in LAUSD since Pre-K and although we are fortunate
enough to have a fantastic primary school, the lack of funds, dangerous
secondary and high school options, and the less progressive education methods
had left me in a tizzy.
The option arose to accept assistance from my in-laws and
uproot the family and move a couple miles inland so that my boys would be privy
to a better education in the Torrance Unified School district. Although this
was in fact a dream come true, there was a lot of effort being put into making
this a reality.
I spent tons of time researching houses, setting up viewings
and trying to find a suitable living environment for us. It left me drained in
many ways. It also left me with less time to schedule my workouts. It was
becoming easier and easier to simply skip a day, or 2, or a week.
As if the lack of sweat wasn’t enough, I got lazier with
food. We would be out and about often at random times due to appointments and
it became easier to just pick up Taco Bell than it was to go home and make
something healthy.
Then the house was bought. Escrow ended up being a nightmare
of epic proportions and during all of this there were many close calls in which
the house almost dropped out. Once it finally closed there has been the
daunting task of both fixing up our old digs for rental purposes and complete
renovations on the new place in order to make it livable.
Yeah, needless to say, my diet and lifestyle went to shit.
I knew it was getting bad. I could no longer fit in the
really awesome newer pants I had obtained. I kept justifying calories because
there would be times in which I just felt exhausted and famished even though
really, the food was just comfort.
Now, I am a big fat roly poly woman again. I am disgusting.
To top it off, my A1C numbers came back and they had risen a couple of points.
My doctor wasn’t worried, but she said I needed to get back on track.
Back on track. Those words don’t inspire me like they did. I
am still in the period in which I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate that I
let myself go. I hate that I let it happen so close to my high school reunion.
I hate that I have watched other people have such amazing success and yet here
I am, a blob, a failure, a joke.
I have found myself now actually seriously contemplating
speaking with my doctor about a more drastic solution. I can’t bring myself to
do anything that would be permanent, but I certainly have considered things like
a Lap Band. It is one of those things that would truly force me to change, and
I would have a much harder time turning back.
What is worse about all of this is that I honestly don’t
know who to talk to. My friends and family are certainly there for me in so
many ways, but I feel like I have fucked up so much that I can’t bear to talk
to them. It isn’t like they can’t see what is going on, but the embarrassment is
a red hot source of tension in me. Every night I lie down in bed and feel like
my husband thinks I am gross. I go to work and I notice that my clothing no
longer looks cute and I wonder what people are thinking of my back slide. I am
actually in a total spiral of freakout and I can assure you, it isn’t pretty.
So now what do I do? Obviously I have made sure to not miss
a day of the gym at work. I have done 25 minutes each day, not stopping at 20
as I have been so tempted to do. I would have eaten better the last couple
weeks but everything is still so chaotic at home what one kitchen not ready for
move in and the other a disaster because of all of the renovations. It truly isn’t
an ideal situation by any stretch of the imagination.
That being said I need to suck it up. I need to get my shit
together. I need to approach my body the same way I did before. I need to make
it as inhabitable as I am doing to my new house. I need to get to a point in
which I once again can see some results. I need to do this for my children
since even though I got them in a new school, losing their mom would negate all
of that effort.
So lookout world, I am back. I am going to kick my own ass
now and get back in gear.
I just wish I wasn’t so damned scared.
